September Speculates

My small, dimly lit lectern guides my steps as I reflect on the daily tremblings of a teacher, as well as a student. The duality of it is not so distinct - I can't tell the difference. Aren't we all still learning?

Today I woke up with a bit of a headache, but I was just simply glad to be in the middle of a nice day, with not too much rain. I've begun a few small projects lately in the language arts. In order to improve myself, I've taken to reading some new texts in French and Spanish (One being "Twilight", the uber popular Vampire series, otherwise known as "Crepusculo," the other a simple textbook.) I once was proficient in one of these languages, the former merely a whisper of understanding. I also mused on how to involve myself sooner rather than later in the cultural vida of Hong Kong's enthusiastic heartbeat. It can be so easy to accept invites to soirees, barbeques, birthday functions, holidays, and dinners with friends, but what about attending plays, reading books, discovering visual or performance masterpieces? Hence, I pre-registered for the Fine Art Asia Fair on October 3rd today, complimentary. How marvellous! It makes me feel refreshed already.

In this city who never slows down for a hot minute, it is undeniably necessary to rest. She is a monster, this Hong Kong, relishing the collective mix of people all after their place in this mess - off to work, off to school, off to shop (haha)...Isn't that the truth? She merely laughs at us as we trample over each other to make it to the next hectic destination. These days, I practically run down the sidewalks, to keep up with the bobbing umbrellas, tear-stained streets from acid rainfall, and slippery pedestrians trying to go here or there.

And so today, I rest. Especially after my brief window of calm when I was with my loving, exuberant, centered, and never dull family in California - I feel grounded. In the knowledge of all that is true and sacred - real relationships - I know I can slow down to enjoy life and all God has to offer. So cheers to all of you who make me smile - you're such a blessing: you all know who you are!

Long Day...

So, I didn't really cut my hair, but I am seriously going to cut my hair in a few weeks, and so I'm preparing some of my friends for the shock (namely, you, and you, and you, and you). I love my long-curly-sometimes-straight hair, but as with many things in my life right now, there are going to be some changes. There have been several internal struggles with elements of my goings-on, with my thoughts, with my sleep patterns, dreams, walks along California sidewalks, but still I'm here doing as I do on a normal basis. There's been a lot more "alone" time lately, as I do like it. But. What I need is a place to put all my hopes and dreams. How does one describe the emotion that rushes through your body when you really want something because it adds creativity to you? Maybe it revises what you previously thought about yourself. Maybe what you previously thought about your own complexity or your own simplicity. Or maybe it just causes you to stare deeply at something in wonder and you like that. Maybe it is the romantic in me. I'm not romantic in every sense of the word. I think I lost the idea that there is one man for every woman, that every time a door closes, a window opens. But, there is the simple truth of how little control we have on our environment also affects our ability to make choices about what we do. For instance, I may not be able to change how someone feels about something I've said, but I can always provide the output I think is the most appropriate and sometimes one's attitude is the most important thing. I'm counting on my attitude to pull me through this strange week, even stranger month, and even more bizarre year I'm having. God works in mysterious ways and I do think there is ulitimately a plan that covers the whole context of one's life, but I won't be able to see the entire blueprint, so I have to live each day a little at a time. And maybe stare at that space a bit longer until I can figure out how it really affects me, individual, language and art lover, writer, traveler.

Get Your Own...

These are some thoughts from a German American poet. I don't want to say much more than that.

air and light and time and space



"–you know, I’ve either had a family, a job,

something has always been in the

way

but now

I’ve sold my house, I’ve found this

place, a large studio, you should see the space and

the light.

for the first time in my life I’m going to have

a place and the time to

create."



no baby, if you’re going to create

you’re going to create whether you work

16 hours a day in a coal mine

or

you’re going to create in a small room with 3 children

while you’re on

welfare,

you’re going to create with part of your mind and your body blown

away,

you’re going to create blind

crippled

demented,

you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your

back while

the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,

flood and fire.



baby, air and light and time and space

have nothing to do with it

and don’t create anything

except maybe a longer life to find

new excuses

for.



© Charles Bukowski, Black Sparrow Press

Shakespeare Hast Seen Mine Eyes

O me, what eyes hath Love put in my head
Which have no correspondence with true sight
Or, if they have, where is my judgement fled,
that censures falsely what they see aright?
If that be fair whereon my false eyes dote,
What means the world to say it is not so?
If it be not, then love doth well denote
Love's eye is not so true as all meris 'No.'
How can it? O, how can Love's eye be true,
That is so vex'd with watching and with tears?
No marvel then, though I mistake my view;
The sun itself sees not till Heaven clears.
O cunning Love! With tears though keep'st me blind,
Lest eyes well-seeing thy foul faults should find.

Why is it that we miss what we should not have? I know it has been a few months now, and I'm certain I should be at a stage of "moving on" from my relationship, but I'm confused. A good friend once said of a particularly bad day during a break-up: "My heart hurt. Isn't that sad?" Here is the rub. It is okay to be sad, but if you give in to that feeling, you might believe you belong back with the familiar. And sometimes, love is not enough. But, after all: O, how can Love's eye be true. That is so vex'd with watching and with tears? I might not have rain falling down my face every day, but believe me, living without that special someone in your life is an adjustment. Maybe it is needed, maybe you are soul searching, maybe you did it for the wrong reasons, maybe you left him for noble reasons...But somehow you know it is best. And somehow it still feels wrong. And just oh, so, painful. And when you start to like someone new, you are afraid. Your heart can't take that. It also feels like you really are leaving your past behind and you might not be ready for it. I want to be ready for it. But, I'm afraid. Afraid to lose the love I once had. But, I'm also afraid of how long it will take to get over this feeling of falling. There might not be rain. But, I see myself diving down this cliff into the deep blue of the ocean, showing me my emotions really are the hidden depths of myself. Down, down, I swim, realizing there is so much inside me, but I feel like my heart hurts. And the water looks cold and menacing. I don't know what I want. I hurt. My heart hurts.

You Have No Idea What You Are Getting Yourself Into...

The aforementioned title is actually the album name of the band, Does It Offend You, Yeah? (Yes, it is actually a band - I love bands that have strange song titles and monikers. It makes me laugh.) I tried downloading to the blog, but it didn't work, so here's something else to access: http://www.zshare.net/audio/119380094aad2399/
I've had a string of positive, wonderful experiences. I went to the Getty Center on Sunday, and spent a day in the central garden, and in the galleries, living the Bourgeoisie life. Checked out some light and video installations - here is some Mike Kelley stuff I found amusing after seeing his work at the Getty. This only inspires me to be more daring when I see this cluster--(I think you know what I mean) kinda-art.

Unfortunately, I'm reaching a point where I only live for the weekends and am trying to be responsible, despite hearing a voice calling me to be spontaneous and enjoy this year. I have an opportunity very soon to be quite outrageous, meaning taking a leap of faith to something quite uncertain, not destructive, but perhaps less responsible, and most likely, life-changing, in essence, a leap of faith to something quite beautiful. Why not?! It would be fun and inspiring, you say...? Well, I just don't know. I'm just not sure I'm ready to scream at everyone around me, "Does It Offend You, Yeah?"

To Vex, To Ponder

Giorgio De Chirico is a surrealist I discovered at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art this past weekend. His painting (left) is called Les contrarietes du penseur, or The Vexations of The Thinker. I stared it while I was observing art this Sunday on the second floor and couldn't take my eyes off it. Interestingly enough, I was observing another artist in the same gallery who was inspired be De Chirico. The story goes that this man saw his oil painting in a dealer's window and immediately decided to become an artist -- his inspiration was clear -- Yves Tanguy had never held a brush prior to this. Isn't that amazing? It is clear to me why he is so inspiring.

Later surrealists such as the famous Salvador Dali were also impressed by de Chirico and it is no wonder. His painting spoke to me in such a way. First, because the title is so vivid and touches me, first as a literati and philospher, and second as an art enthusiast. The description held that the focal point is this half knight-half machine character against a brooding cityscape. Apparently, de Chrico used cityscapes of favorites in the Mediterranean he had visited, possibly such as Turin (home of a major influence, Nietzsche) and Paris, I believe. What captures me is the absurdity of this (man) who I can't quite create emotion in my mind, since I am unable to capture facial features by seeking detail int he painting. Yet, despite this, I feel drawn to the emptiness of this landscape the "thinker" is in, where it seems cold and him as representational of both man and machine gives me great pause. That the "thinker" is half-anything is interesting enough already. Does this mean he is calculative and logical versus pensive and expressive? Does he use the corner of this city as a hiding place for his thoughts - convoluted, curious, and alone? If so, I sympathize. I don't mean alone as a lonely thing necessarily, either. He seems stalwart, and strong, despite his brooding, if I can feel this from the painting. Upon reflection, I feel a bit strange because this painting affected me more than most of the other events this weekend. Perhaps because I am introspective, and it is more intuitive than even my social and affectionate side. Sometimes I feel more myself when I dig underneath and attempt to access my subconscious musings through observations. I feel more than I usually feel when I watch others on occeasion, see (really truly see) art, and just walk on a bridge or stare at the ocean. I wonder why a scene can cause me to feel or know something so lucidly somehow when I am so apart from the event. It is strange to think, but somehow true. While I don't experience everything emotional as an objective perception of reality, (this would be a little less human than I could claim) standing apart from something can make me feel really alive. And sometimes it illuminates relationships and feelings I cannot access on my own without inspiration. As a more subdued emotional being, it is as if my sensitivities are drawn from my being by everything around me. My own vexations were somehow in bright clarity when I drove home from the city....All because of a German painter, Giorgio De Chirico.