A Love Letter For Christmas

"Said the Shepherd Boy to the Mighty King, 'Do you hear what I hear in your palace wall, Mighty King?'
'A child, a child, shivering in the cold, let us bring Him silver and gold.'" 1

So many seasons ago, when there was a star shining brightly in the sky, shepherds wondered the reason for Angels appearing in the fields at night. I wonder, were they scared? How long did they ponder this sudden shock? Did they truly understand the meaning of the child they were to bring gifts to? In today's world, with the story given to us each Christmas, I wonder if we really take the time to observe our own behavior. If we celebrate as a people who know why Christmas is special. I know not everyone celebrates Christmas and there are many different people, belief systems, faiths, and reasons for living and believing as we do. As one who cherishes Christmas, I must say that spending the holidays without my loved ones this year is hard, but I am certain this has a purpose, as well. As one who holds that God gave us the best present of all centuries ago, I am always determined to celebrate by giving as much of myself as possible. Sure -- sweaters, scarves, iPhones, glittery lip gloss, and pretty cookie tins are nice, but there's more. I want to give each day, but it is so easy not to. I want my family and friends to know the love I hold for them every day of the year. Getting a letter from my sister is so much better than receiving a well written instruction manual (even if it does come with a brand new Macbook pro). Being able to hear my family's voices on speakerphone for Thanksgiving just one month ago. These are a few of my favorite things. Christmas reminds me of the many blessings in my life.

Years after that very first Christmas, as we celebrate the birth of this special child, there are all sorts of questions we may still have. I still marvel over the celebration of a little baby boy. I have faith that this child is the reason I have the capacity to love so many others, that my heart bursts with the anticipation of seeing, hearing those I love. Now that I am far away from many, I have the joy, the anticipation of when I can be writing and be written to from those I love. God gives me this - this faith, this reason for living. I have a strong belief that I am taken care of no matter where I go because of this faith. Not only this relationship I have, but also the relationships I have here on Earth. What if I had never had the mom and dad I have today? What if I wasn't blessed with the friendships, the tears, the joys of the last twenty eight years? I might have turned out so differently.

It is such a miracle I am in Hong Kong this Christmas and get to share the gift of language to little children. How did I get here? Why was I chosen to give so much? To learn so much? And how did I end up in a Santa suit? These are all questions I wish I could answer. (haha) I still can't believe myself sometimes. Yet, here I am. There's no denying it. I am enjoying so much out here, and yet missing all of my sisters and brothers at home. I know how corny these sentiments are, but every once in a while, clarity of mind is a cliche. The one thing that may never be cliche, though, is an artistic expression that can communicate vividly through a medium bigger than words. Language is not always enough for expression. I leave you with a simple love letter addressed to you, in photographs, and with the soundtrack of my favorite Christmas song, "O Holy Night," that the sound might speak to the depths of your heart.

And so, I pray for peace and love for all of you this Christmas and every day of the year.

"Said the King to the people everywhere, 'Listen to what I say. Pray for peace everywhere....He will bring us Goodness and Light.'" 2


1 "Do You Hear What I Hear?", The Carpenters http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWiA_79feKs
2 Ibid.

The Umbrella Garden

It was raining incessantly when I stepped outside of my building Wednesday morning. Scratch that -- Did I say it was raining incessantly, I meant it was drizzling. Drizzling, yes. I was on my way to the Kowloon island where I will be teaching in a few weeks at a Montessori school. One foot in front of the other, I found my way through the streets and small puddles everywhere. Splish, splash. Little droplets of water fell on my head, and more than normal. In Hong Kong, the air conditioning vents all have leftover residue falling into your hair, and more unfortunately, in your eye at times. Yuck. Wednesday, it wasn't just A/C coolant, but acid rain. Oh joy. The worst of it was the professional attire I chose for the outing. I was performing a trial lesson plan in front of the kids and the school principal, so I chose a blue silk dress, warm grey tights and a blazer. The flimsy blazer material was simply not enough, and the black scarf I finished off the look with couldn't keep my neck from feeling the goosebumps underneath my clothes. But - wait. The best part about the walk in that day's rain was the crossing from outdoor Sheung Wan (My home neighborhood) to the metro. It is a five minute walk to the MTR rail station and I kept trying to quicken my steps. The puddles were not as much of a distraction as the people and their umbrellas. The streets are narrow, and the sidewalks even narrower. Despite the small amount of drizzle, everyone seemed to be scared of the rain. And then, the entrance to the metro loomed in front of me and there was a large outcropping of these pink, green, blue, black, polka dotted umbrellas. It was as if there was one large misshapen tent in front of me in an unusual sequence of color. As soon as people would march up the steps to get out of the metro underground into Sheung Wan, another umbrella would burst open and poke its way out into the fresh air. I thought I was going to find my eyeball rolling around on the ground at any moment. I kept hearing that line from A Christmas Story about the dangerous BB gun the kid keeps messing with: "You're going to poke someone's eye out." Um yes. Mine. And so, that is how I survived with my face still intact. Eyes in head. Check. Hair damp. Check. Frozen Nose. Check. Blue lips. Check.

I took a ferry ride across the harbor and braved the frigid ice path across the water. Perhaps turtlenecks and five scarves per day are in order. We learn our lessons hard. The path from arrival at Hong Hum Pier was a quick jaunt to Whanpoa Garden, where the principal observed me and gave the final confirmation that I can begin teaching her kindergarten class in January. I'm quite excited because although the Learning Centre has been a pleasure to work with, the management's organization skills have been left wanting. Since I was on a three-month probation, I have leave to start work as a teacher at the new school and remain teaching some smaller classrooms on Saturday. I'm looking forward to the change, but aware that I will probably have many days of exhaustion ahead of me. In the meantime, I am quite excited about Christmas and New Year's in Hong Kong. I recently came across a church I enjoy, and now have a place to celebrate the birth of Christ for service and carols. Ah, what splendor! I love being able to sing and praise, as well as discuss the meaning of giving and love. Christmas is such a special time, and although I'll be away from so many I love, I am in the hope that the distance could not separate us from how much affection there is and will always remain between us.

Today I had my first skype chat with a California friend today, and I must say I'm so grateful for this technology. Life's little quirks makes it so that we don't always get to be near the ones we care for, but I call it a quirk simply because I know I will be with all the ones I adore soon. In the grand scheme of things, my trip to Hong Kong is a hiccup. I still plan on coming home for my dear friend Liz's wedding in February, and to be in California's great sunshine. I miss so many at home: my sisters Annette, Suzy, Mom, Dad, my new brother-in-laws, Sean and Austin, Liz (greeban), Liz (bell), Janie Jane, Rachel, Nikki (I always miss Nikki so even though she's not in California), Andrew, my favorite co-worker from JT's, my cousins, Ray, Johnny, Noel, my grandparents, Oma and Omi, my adopted grandparents, and Tante Vonny, Oom Frans, my aunts and uncles Franny, Bernard, cousins Mea, Frank, my tennis partners, Kevin, Aaron, Brandon, Brett, so many I worked with for the last few months in California, and my Newport Beach friends... And so I wish all of you a very merry Christmas.

"I cannot go back to yesterday..."

"...because I was a different person then." - Lewis Carroll

Adjusting to Hong Kong is taking some time. I considered today how many changes I have been going through. There are all these people who talk about taking adventures. I'm actually on one of those real-life adventures I've always talked about, and sometimes it does not feel real. Like I just dropped through the looking glass by accident and here I am. Why did I do what I'm doing? I'm supposed to be an adult, with the resources to handle any sort of problem or thought. To work it out in my head. But, what if I fail? What then? I don't always feel like an adult. I feel like a child with big eyes, wondering how I got here, and what happens next...A child who is a stranger to all these mad hatters, philosophical caterpillars, and cheshire cats.

But, I will say this. I am so very happy. Despite how much there is to learn, I feel like all the tough hurdles of the first month of adjustment have made me better prepared for the cultural differences, what to expect of people and how I can live in this strange country. My friend Erick has introduced me to so many great people and I keep bumping into recent acquaintances when I walk down the street or get a cup of coffee or sit down at a comfy lounge with my book or laptop. The city is smaller than I know! I'm having a lunch with a recent acquaintance today at this spot in the IFC Mall (International Finance Center) which serves healthy food. I will say this much - good people make the trip out here worthwhile, but sometimes good food makes everything so much BETTER. I've been healthy, with a hint of a cough only once a week or so since the dreaded cold I had, but I bought a heater, so if I need it, I can make my room at home in the flat nice and toasty. MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm. It has air conditioning too...ah! What blessings. I alternate between the A/C and the heater since the room is so small it needs circulation constantly.


Random photo taken of my blissfully crazy-happy face! (My friend Liz from home commented that it looks so "Me", so I had to upload it.)


As for going "back to yesterday", there are things I miss about home, especially as Christmas is around the corner. But, I am grateful for what today brings - I'm learning. I'm growing. My family recently sent me some things I needed from California and were gracious enough to include a pillow from their house with the star of Bethlehem and "silent night" drawn on it, as well as my favorite holiday ornament of Sleeping Beauty. Ah! I almost had tears glistening on that pillow when I saw it in the box. It is always the smallest, considerate acts of kindness that make a person feel special. Despite the fact that I can see Christmas all around me in Hong Kong, it is in stark contrast to Christmas in Southern California. And getting a small piece of home and the American Christmas just strikes that one chord with my heart. Doesn't everyone just love getting mail? I adore my family for sending their thoughts and affections by post. How effortlessly do they send it...So blessed, as always, with a wonderful family.

As for any brand new information on adjustments in Hong Kong, I have been keeping up with the job postings and need for English tutors to keep my options open in addition to the learning centre I'm currently working with. I discovered a private school who was seeking a teacher to finish the school year through August and with an immediate need in January. So, I've decided to accept this new teaching position working January 4th with a kindergarten class of 30 students, and in addition I will continue to work for a few months with the children I currently tutor on the weekends. I've already fallen in love with these kids and I'm not ready to leave them, so I guess that means I'm a busy bee, but I'm once more excited about what is to come. So many changes! So much to do! So much opportunity!

Views of the Metropolis

Lan Kwai Fong (Carnivale Food - there's always a celebration in LAN KWAI)







Experiencing hookah the Mediterranean-Hong Kong way




Finally, ah... (The Victoria Peak in the afternoon)



Hong Kong Jockey Club - The Races (with new friend, Shoko)





Mrs. Field's cookies - a piece of home!

Turkey Dressed with Gravy Boat and Friends

Thanksgiving. A time to give your family --love. To show that you are grateful for their place in your life. To break bread. Being away from so many loved ones this year was difficult. Never having been away from my sisters, parents, and grandparents during the holidays, the experience was rather jarring. I actually was under the distinct impression I would be getting a) no turkey and no mashed potatoes b) no family and c) no celebration. As exciting as it is to be in a foreign city with the lights of the skyscrapers, the city lacks any foresight on this holiday. Unless you're an American, you've barely heard of the existence of this "Turkey Day."

How grateful was I when an invitation to a holiday dinner popped up a few days before the event? I met some friendly, genuine people, at a residence in Pukfu Lam, half of which attend a local church in North Point, a little more than twenty minutes from home. Of course, besides the great people, there was turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, and such...there was dessert! Pecan pie, buttercream pie, and banana cream pie, oh my! I'm not really a "foodie" when it comes to candies, cakes and cookies, but the banana cream was oh-so-fluffy looking, I really had to try it. Sooo very delicious! It almost made me a convert to sweet tooth-ism. (Suzy - it can NEVER touch the amazing depth of your thanksgiving pumpkin pie, but I digress....) Maybe the favorite part about attending the dinner, though, was the spectacular vista from the balcony of the 37th floor of a building high-rise with a sparkling marble-topped kitchen, large living and dining area, with pretty Christmas tree in deco lighting. Felt a little bit like home. So very American for Hong Kong. Even late at night, with just a few stars, and not too many lights with which to view the harbor, it was quite a sight. I never would have guessed I would be in a high-rise this Thanksgiving on a far-off continent. It was an experience. Even better, despite the fact that we were all foreigners in a strange land, we could relate to each other based on those feelings. Many of the Americans at this party were still fairly new and could sympathize with the cultural shocks of the personal space bubble-burst on the metro, the customs of expatriates versus local folk, and the Chinese-broken English-trying-tell-the-cab-driver-where-to-go-and-arrive-safely-under-100-hongkongdollars. There was good, old-fashioned prayer before the meal, intellectual conversation, friendly banter, and silly American humor. All in good fun. Good, clean fun.

The wind is beginning to pick up around here, and I'm noticing my nose tends to become a little more red starting from morning through afternoon. Despite the chill, my sweater still gives me too much insulation. I tend to sweat when I bundle up, or wear a sweater and/or boots, however my face feels the coolness on my lips, my hands, my toes, and around my eyelashes. I guess it is why they say winter cools off the extremities, right? I'll be sweating underneath my coat, but my nose is going to fall off my face. An adjustment indeed. What kind of place is this? haha

I've begun an exploration of the city for used and rare bookstores, as well as a look-see for coffee shops with cheap cappucinos, espressos and windows that show more than skyscrapers - preferably gardens and green trees. One such recent find is Pop Bites, an indie spot with white-washed walls, polished concrete floors, and favorite vinyl on the walls. They play recent hits, and even old boy band favorites. I actually heard Spice Girls and the nineties pop-ish Backstreet Boys on Monday afternoon. Supposedly, deejays spin after 8pm all throughout the week, depending on the day, however, I have only attended in the afternoon. The Christmas and holiday party invites for hip hong kongers are starting to pour into my email inbox, as I've recently added new Hong Kong online community newsletters and such to find frugal art events and fancy soirees to crash without paying an arm and a leg. It can be rather a charming chase to find ways to save money and somehow still have a good time. My landlord recently offered to buy me coffee after I called to thank Property Management for fixing the water heater. What hospitality! Hospitality with a free side of espresso. I'll take it!

So, to end on a good note, the weather outside is frightful, but the city is so delightful.

Illness, Congestion, and Computer Software Meltdown

A glass of orange-brownish mud colored juice and a partially consumed ziplock of sunflower seeds, cashews and almonds sits next to my HP notebook computer. This is an unusual day not only because I am typing on my computer, but because the sun is actually in full force today. I wish I could enjoy the weather as much as I desire to, however, I need to be heading home again very soon. The comforts of my pillow are the only solace to a head cold- along with a traumatic headache. I started coming down with some sort of cough last week, and I must admit the weakness and fatigue is starting to get to me. I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day because the sun is out, but a bad day because the headache is slowly turning into a migraine.

The other reason today is an unusual day is because I am typing on my very own keyboard. My computer hasn't allowed me to access my programs or documents for the last few weeks, which has made e-mails and blogs very difficult. Internet cafes are simply not enough...I picked up my brand-spanking rescued notebook today from the HP Customer Center after reconciling myself to the fact that I lost some important documents on my computer. I think it is a small price to pay for the use of my laptop once more! My hardware is in intact, so no major harm done. I was starting to feel naked. I'll be downloading some photos today so you'll be traversing the Asian countryside yet with visions of Lan Kwai Fong, the IFC, and the Victoria Peak. Patience...

My first week of classes ended and I'm excited for this week's stories. My students have been tremendously sweet and encouraging to me. Last Thursday I had the realization that my name was too difficult. Every time I met a new student and one of the parents, I would introduce myself and get a similar response. First a sounding of a few of the syllables in K-i-m-b-e-r-l-y and then the look of confusion, struggle, with a slight smile. Usually this was followed by the obvious statement. "Your name is really difficult." It was time for change.

Come Saturday, I decided to begin writing my name on the board as "Miss Kimi." This is already beginning to stick. My classes with the grade 1 students (8-9 years) includes some basic essay writing. The name "Miss Kimi" is starting to appear in the fictious plotlines. Apparently, I can walk from Victoria Peak to the local park to Central Station all in the span of ten minutes. Really progressive! In all seriousness, though, the classes show some serious promise. The very young children have short attention spans, which will take some adjustment on my part, however, I am discovering a hidden talent. I haven't used my singing voice in some time and it seems to be one of the easiest parts of this job as a teacher. Even better, the children are so quick to laugh, which is such an inspiration to me as I am daily running into unexpected little stressors, like this cough, or meeting strangers and adapting. Sometimes life here is just so very different from home. But, in the end, I know why I am here and when I see the children, it makes me so happy.

A reading I came across yesterday really seemed to prey on my heart, so I wanted to share it today. Even when things seem foreign, strange, unknown, and difficult in Hong Kong, I am so aware that I am loved. I don't have much money, but it isn't about having a BlackBerry (my phone is broken) or having the clothes, or having anything but...just enough. There is no redemption except through this love that comes to me as a Christian, and also as a daughter, a sister, and a friend. Thank you, all of you, for that.

"For as much as you know that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; But with the precious blood of Christ..." (1 Peter 1:18-19)

First Day of School

Devoted Fans:



I've been sick the last few days and have been keeping it (I want to say cool, but I suppose that is not appropriate.) rather warm. Staying indoors, listening to the rain, and trying to nurse my sore throat, cough, and cold with some hot tea. There's a lot of that stuff out here in Hong Kong! Today is my first day as a teacher and I will tell you more when I have gone through the whole day. In the meantime, just know that this has been a hard week for me. With the weather getting colder, the wind picking up, and then, of course, the adjustment of being in a new city, I'm already beginning to miss home a bit.
Macau - Robert, Laura, Pravin, Alex



I don't think getting sick helped. I'm really excited for my first day, though. I haven't uploaded too many photographs, so I thought it was about time that I made some space for those. Sorry for not enough cityscapes, but the problem is that my computer is missing in action. I've been running around just trying to download what I can onto public computers when I'm drinking my hot tea or sipping my soup du jour. Dragon-I, with Johnny, the local spot on Hollywood Road



I slipped on my tall boots, jet black skirt and matching jacket with bright crimson scarf and on my way. I may have looked very New York, except for the large California-movie-star sunglasses. Sometimes I just can't help myself. I want to look like I'm from out of town. I'm on the way to traverse the slings and arrows of the metro system today. The main trial is getting through the subway without too many people breathing on you or subjecting one to excessive bodily odor. Ugh. If I can step off the MTR feeling clean, it is a good day. As it is, I still enjoy how simple it is to walk everywhere without an automobile. Sometimes I miss that little Nissan Sentra at home, though. She's a little beauty. But now she's gone - little Lightning. So many memories with that speedster. Ah well. Today's classes are on speech and drama for the grade one children (8-9 years) and I'll be marking scores based on energy, pronounciation and facial/body expression and movement! I can't wait. After all, who is more passionate than I am? I must be a good judge of someone's enthusiasm and sincerity when playing a part, right? The last picture is at Cafe O, my favorite spot to drink cappucinos or yummy panini grilled sandwiches. Free wireless is at almost every cafe, so this isn't new, but I've already begun to make friends with the staff in Central and Sheung Wan, where my new apartment/flat is located, so I feel "at home" here than almost anywhere else. And on that lovely note, I leave you to the rest of your week's happenings. Au Revoir...until next time.
Cafe O - Erick, Kimberly

Unique Impressions, Pedestrian Walkways, Bloody Fun

Welcome to Hong Kong, I told myself as I stepped off the runway of Eva Air just one week ago. Where to begin?

hustle | bustle | noise of the city | fascinatemethrillme

So a few notes about the strangeness of coming to a new city, and a foreign land. For one, the way a person crosses the street. When I was in California, I would rarely walk anywhere except to enjoy the landscape. When in Hong Kong, I am walking through the city to travel from point A to point B. Normally, the walking at "home" in the United States would include a cappucino and perhaps a book, with a final stopping point at which to sit and watch the sunset or open the pages of that book. That was my Newport Beach routine. Here, I may travel to the MTR (the subway) to get to Wan Chai or Sheung Wan to look at flats in the nearby area, walk from the Yaumatei station in Kowloon in order to get to school, or walk down the road to an internet cafe or coffee shop to check my e-mails. I suppose I continue to sip cappucinos, although admittedly, I had to cut down caffeine almost immediately on the budget in order to save costs. The way I cross the street is different as well. I brush my hand lightly over this yellow box, instead of pushing a button. The signal lights up in Chinese red characters and English lettering which politely say, "Please wait." I wait and the little green guy appears across the street with a familiar clicking sign, telling me to cross. The pedestrian crosswalks look much the same as the U.S. crosswalks, however the simple technology advancements of the hand "brushing", versus the button-pushing in America makes me think I am really am in a new territory with new rules. Technology. Gotta love it.

Simple enough, right? Okay. Next item of difference. This may not seem like a big deal to a resident expatriate (expat, as we are affectionately called) from the UK, but for American expats the cars are driving on the opposite side of the road. It reminds me of London. The first few hours of walking and moving around the city make one disoriented. Then you adjust. I've already grown accustomed to looking right, then left, instead of vice versa. However it is a phenom of small proportion. One to laugh about. More importantly, the type of people I've been meeting are so varied. I was introduced to several people already from a friend I have in Hong Kong. Friday night included dinner at Tokyo Joe's, a Japanese restaurant of sorts, to Racks, a billiards spot with good cocktails and interesting faces. After Racks, one saunters over to Volar, which is a difficult spot to be admitted unless you know someone. Apparently, I've networked with the right people. Unlike home, the night is just beginning at 12am in Hong Kong, whereas Newport Beach always seemed to be "popping" around that time, but guaranteed, all crowds are pushed home at 2:00am unless you want to grab a 24-hour pizza at Laventina's. Not so here. The closest thing I might be able to compare in the city that never sleeps - New York. Living in a big city has its advantages - cuisine, convenience, transportation, culture, interest, nothing dull in any minute. Living in a bit city has its disadvantages - pretension, arrogance, clutter, smog. The intangibles seem to outweigh the bad. As far as the variance of people, I would say that Hong Kong attracts an intelligent plethora of educated persons, some genuine and some not quite so genuine. I have much to learn when it comes to knowing the nuances of graciousness, levels of manners, culture, when to say yes, when to say no, and how this affects a basic conversation to one that is more than simple acquaintance.

After one evening, I found myself almost pushed into a wall when I was trying to dance. This young girl not much taller or bigger than me wanted to push inbetween the crowds instead of going around the crowds. This is much like my experience on the streets of the city. When one is walking on a sidewalk, there is often a push - not a gentle push, but not quite impolite either. It is just the way of things. People are used to getting their way around here, and taking it, rather than asking for it. One must get used to it. Over the weekend, I attended an event across the harbor in Macau, and there was an afterparty at the Hard Rock Hotel where I met another English teacher and another two people who were closely connected to teachers. I met with a lot of friendly outreach and enthusiasm for teaching, and it seemed these people were interested to know more about my experience in Kowloon. (I don't have much to say since work will not start for another week.) However, the ability to network with such unique faces - many are from around the world - and so easily, it astonishes me. I love surprises. But, I really love good surprises!

In conclusion, I will say that at the start of my second week, I am ready to begin settling in. When I have a few downloaded photographs of the city, I will add them to the blog pages, but for now, I will say that the city has grabbed ahold of me. I am content.

What Is The Thing?

Sometimes the only way to explain a thing is not through words or conversations about the thing, but by an expression of the thing. If I can produce some sort of evidence the thing exists or that the thing is felt or done, I may be able to show what the thing is, begin to take apart its definition, or at least improve upon the amiguouity surrounding it. So, in this case, I will attempt to show the thing through a medium other than words - through music. Listen to this and try to understand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7JOnV0nOog

New Challenges

As the end of the year approaches, some brand new changes occur in the season. The leaves begin to fall off the trees, the Santa Ana winds blow through Southern California, and the temperature drops, as November rears its lovely head. With two holidays approaching, the feasts arrive. Thanksgiving, yum! Christmas dinner, delicious! But, most importantly, is the time of giving between family and friends as we celebrate so many of the special relationships we have.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful men and women in my life with beautiful smiles, and even more beautiful hearts. There are times when one is presented with such an opportunity to leave the familiar for a chance to succeed and test one's perseverance. My time has arrived. Leaving my home for a place I can barely begin to imagine the challenges and opportunities, I am excited and breathless with anticipation. Looking forward, I find so much to be thankful for in my life from this past year, and yet also so blessed to be given the chance to pursue my passion for culture and travel this very moment.

To Leave or Not To Leave

The days of summer get longer and longer, wielding the heat like a beacon of hope that vanishes just as it came in a few short months. As August draws near, the sunshine will diminish, and takes with it the remaining grasp we have on certain hopes. There is something to be said for the season. Winter is cold and depressing, while the Autumn sheds all its tears like the leaves off the branches, leaving us stripped and bare. Springtime holds promise, but does not fulfill all until Summer calls, with its high noon blue skies and precious rays. As for myself, I find that the Summer ending echoes by own feelings of hope stripped; no more ocean walks and bay breezes on any given day. I'm leaving the sand for the inland empire, trading in my carefree room with a view for a close study of mathematics, vocabulary, and of course accounting. (By accounting, I mean a magnifying glass centered on personal finance.)

Southern California is a strange land, pretending to be outside of any global crisis with all its pretty malls, beautiful people strutting, and even more beautiful people walking, talking, using plastic. Yet beneath the glamorous lifestyle lurks the truth of the impoverished glitterati. I know friends who have left the state after spending all their currency on high fashion and cocktails, then unable to pay for their own transportation or the roof over their hair-sprayed, color-treated head. What will it be? A vanilla latte and True Religion jeans or giving the landlord rent money? The lifestyle is simply not conducive to living below your means, unless one makes an attempt to walk the walk outside of the usual temptations. Yours truly is planning a comeback to a life well within the walls of old-fashioned conventions: work, study, make goals, achieve goals. None of this silly sorority perspective. There are a few good things about living in a dream land: Painting by the water, hearing the breeze on my back, feeling the windy rush as I tread the steps of the boardwalk, squishing the sand into my toes and rubbing tiny grains onto my tan skin, making patterns on my arms, by my elbows. Newport Beach is the land of the gorgeous children of the Golden State, but despite this one unfortunate trait, there are a few things more natural about the place. Which I will miss. It isn't all man-made sidewalks and restaurant food chains, and girls in too-short skirts and bikini tops. I will not thing so little of it. There is some charm left here, and despite my leave of the city and the departure of the sun, Summer is not the only season. Good things can happy at any time. Like happiness.

The Soundtrack of Significance

Some people walk into your life for a reason you cannot quite grasp. He might be significant. She might be funny. He might snort through his nose. She might yell out, "Beavers! Beavers! Beavers!" Why? Who knows? The world does not always makes sense when he's around or when she's laughing. But, somehow, you understand them. It is as if there is music when they are smiling. It is an inconstant thing: happy the next, sad the day after. But your friends are not inconstant. When things are grey, life is still sunny when you're around him. When she gives you a hug. The hardest part is turning around to walk away and not know why you can no longer hear the music. It does seem that some people might be in our lives for a very long time, but somehow they appear so far away. Maybe he has to move. Perhaps she's getting married. Regardless, you can still hear their soundtrack, the way the Earth tilts a little bit when they walk along the sidewalk. Maybe I can still listen to the rhythms...maybe I should be writing my own songs.

Ambition, Questions, and More?

I wonder sometimes, where does this passion come from? Recently, a person of some importance asked where motivation comes from, specifically, where do I derive my own motivation? My answer, "I am one of ambition. I look for my motivation from a good breakfast and a run at the end of the day or a tennis match. All I want is something to keep me healthy while I am naturally motivated to do my best." This is truth - this is an honest answer about my own motivation, but it sounds contrived because most of us aren't motivated, and even those who are have downtimes. I'm in a downturn and hardened because of it. I feel like a dog chasing her own tail, a hamster running inside her cage, a loser trapped behind the Performing Arts Building in High School, eating lunch alone again, rejected by anyone remotely confident. It is a strange feeling to be so alone when you have a relationship with a God who loves you dearly. How can one feel so alone? It isn't natural, right? I'm so grateful for receiving the bare necessities = the clothes on my back, the rooftop above me, frankly, for transportation in California ( MY car is mine. I own it 100 percent with no payments...yeeha.) - and yet I feel sad and morose. I'm struggling to find my ambition on some days because I'm exhausted from putting forth effort in a world of challenges. Not just challenges - Negativity. But, I am blessed. Truly. Before any of those bare essentials - fabric on my shoulders, a home, etc. - I have my family. Blessed with family. Even if things are crashing down all around me, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It does not change the fact that I am utterly exhausted.

The Real Thing

Fantasy - a little time to myself. Is that possible?

A job, a hair cut, a life, a drip coffee anyone?

It is Tuesday morning and I'm enjoying my rather strongly espresso-laden cappucino. Who doesn't drink Starbucks these days? I have often tried to cut Starbucks from my life, although it is always an unsuccessful venture as most who enjoy coffee can attest to. The proximity of this franchise to my place of work (now often inside a Starbucks shop, instead of an office cubicle) and of course, my home, too, has made it nearly impossible to avoid. It is too bad they still charge for wi-fi. The convenience is unbearably convenient. Why cut out Starbucks? Well, for one thing, it epitomizes the monopoly of an industry, (capitalism thrives on competition, right?) and second, for all of its perky flavors and friendly baristas, it is still a bit contrived. Kind of like the predictability of the WatchMen film I saw last month in theatres. All the bells and whistles of the new film made it look cool, although the content of the plotline was inconsistent, watery, and the message was downplayed by the special effects rather than complimented. Does a love triangle with two superheroes make sense? Or is it possible they simply wanted to make their superheroes super lusty? The latter, I presume. I suppose the prospect of the big, tough guy shedding tears over a lover gone gets the girls sympathizing, rather than punching their boyfriends on the shoulder. Why did you make me come to this movie, Joey, they ask, whining. But the emotion makes sense for the female audience? Not really. The emotional superhero is a superficial charicature of a flesh-and-blood character. This again reminds me of how hollow Starbucks is. The franchise has spread itself so thin across the states, and across international borders that it needed to close branches all over. Some stores are still closing. Live the American dream, Starbucks aficionados. Like any franchise or mass-produced blockbuster, the product sells. Drip coffees and frappucinos have appeal for their chocolate and strawberry aromas. WatchMen will sell because of the special effects, the blue lightning shooting from one’s star-studded boots or the glistening beads of golden sweat that ignite on an otherwise black-and-white screen. (Ah, the treasures of the comic book graphic novel in Hollywood rainment.)
As a darling of the recession myself, caught in the wreckage of those large Fortune 100 companies bleeding their all-important “human resources” the corporation cannot do without until human resources becomes “limited resources.” As the head of a famous corporation said at the beginning of 2009: “We continue to make adjustments to improve profitability and position us for the future. We've made good progress on our expense-reduction program. However, we expect it will be difficult to reduce expenses in line with the pace of the current sales decline. We are taking additional actions in the first half of 2009 to accelerate this alignment…” Indeed. Those accelerated ‘actions’ included a restructuring of the company world-wide, by 8%, with a global reduction in workforce, prompted by certain adjustments to compensate for those limited resources I mentioned earlier. These authoritative companies represent the big fish promising to give the same amount of customer service to their partners and clients, by skimming the fat off of their employee pool, then swallowing the little fish companies. It is simply business. When have I heard that before? “It isn’t personal, it is business.” It is a business decision, but it lacks integrity when the unemployment rate continues to climb and high-level executives are working at entry level jobs, serving dinner plates in restaurants to feed their families. When the ‘expense-reduction’ at the former company climbed to $120 million, yet positions are left by the wayside as lay-offs continue …these positions are contracted out, so the expense is placed in a different category, unseen by the eyes of the ever-watchful auditors. The legal checks and balances we have in place to keep companies accountable, to keep competition in the marketplace constantly moving…There are always loopholes. And in times like these, where anyone can lose a job, no matter who you know or how much revenue you generated, there should be a public eye watching for the few and the scrupulous. The companies with integrity are the small guys. The Mom and Pop stores who keep their clientele by their genuine smiles serving homemade lasagna have integrity. The used book stores who sell first editions and give book sales that don’t shave off costs that were overpriced to begin with, but were already a reasonable value for the dollar. The nonprofit community centers who are scraping by to get new pencils and chairs for classrooms, but still tutor the neighborhood kids and invite moms to give input at townhall meetings. Perhaps I am an idealist. But, I stand proudly. I do not expect Bill Gates to turn his money over to the government or give it all to the little guys. I simply believe this is not a time to be finding the quickest way to swallow the little fish. The little fish companies are the ones that are still giving us jobs, and caring, too. So …back to my bitterness against big-fish-thinking and you have me sitting at Starbucks.
Starbucks is a champion of this type of thinking. Overtextend yourself, then cut back on resources. Then proliferate local service activities, invitations to plays, student film festivals, symposiums, and advocate “going green” when it is in fashion. Despite this obvious attempt at being personal - the reach for community activism and neighborly "service" rings false when there is a similarly adorned Starbucks shop just seconds from the last one you had a nonfat soy sugar free Mocha extra hot something-or-other with no whipped cream. (See how easily that doesn't roll off the tongue?) The definition of a personal coffee shop is Alta Coffee Warehouse in Newport Beach or Steamers in the quaint college downtown of Fullerton. These guys hold local jazz musicians for performances, or have a weekly songwriter's circle, let you bring your own cup of java to sit on the shelf to be used next time you walk in, and has non-barista servers who are an eclectic group of artists, musicians, hippies and the like. These bohemian servers need a job, and are valued for their individuality. Some of them have been there for longer than ten years. Give me some character with my coffee. Some distinction. Now that’s a cappuccino I’ll gladly enjoy.

The strangest thing is that I'm still sitting here, staring at that familiar green-branded logo. We may not be able to boycott all the big fish. But, we can create some chaos and some competition. You'll find me at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf tomorrow, which is just down the street. And perhaps Alta Coffee Wharehouse next Tuesday night. I do love coffee.

Asian Snow Peas and Inconsistencies

When she opened the fortune cookie that Wednesday night over a plate of chow mein and broccoli, the fine print read, "You outdistance all competitors." Well. If that was true, then why did the circumstances seem to place efforts in vain? Perhaps it is the way of things ...that environmental factors push you to places you didn't think you'd like and yet, it all has a way of working itself out. Perhaps confidence was all she needed.

Technology As List-Making, Time-Wasting, Updating Mechanism

I joined Twitter today.

So, many a person has been given the ability to socialize via the communication tools over the worldwide web. So, how effective are these tools as they relate to productivity or education or communication? I’m not sure. After all, a brand new twitter’er myself, I am curious as to the plight of my online experience when I follow Barack Obama’s updates on policy (presumably not written by him and I expect nothing less), Ashton Kutcher’s silly anecdotal comments about celebrity gossip and paparazzi, and hoping to soon find novelists, screenwriters, and directors. The latter I can hopefully access some of their thought processes. Wouldn’t this be somewhat productive as far as learning perspective in the world? A world I’d like to think I share quite well with other writers? So, Twitter has promoted a lot of “Tech gossip”, which is probably prompted by Twitter itself, as people write tweets, or rather small one-liners 160 characters or less, about their lives. Mundane, exciting, whatever their lives consist of, we get to hear about it. So, why would a person tweet to begin with? Again, I’m not sure. After all, Facebook allows everyone to update their profile status with supposedly interesting tidbits. Twitter has a smiliar concept, not that I’m aware which one started the commotion. I’m fascinated by all these social networking tools, and their affects on business, technology, and life. Naturally, I’m going to begin by following other twitter’ers to get the gist of these one-line tweets, but what’s to stop me from being satiric in each tweet given? Nothing, right? But, then again, perhaps that’s the fun of it? But if it is just fun, certainly I can find other things to occupy my time with. I’d rather consider myself one of words, of charm and prolific statements. However, if there is some way to brush ideas and wit against the cyberspace community and learn from it, maybe it is worth it. I’m giving it a test run. I’ve seen what Shakespeare might say from another satiric list-maker (I fear Twitter is in some ways a list-displayer, which would make me a list-maker) and found it funny. If I could write something to this effect, I would find it amusing. And perhaps allow me material for the real thing. http://www.abdpbt.com/2008/12/08/10-tweets-you-might-see-if-shakespeare-used-twitter/
After all, most of you know, this blog will transform some of its content as seedlings for my stream-of-consciousness novel. I look at life as material for this. Perhaps Twitter is just that.

The Standards of A Writer

Writers are often misunderstood creatures. We tend to be a bit introverted, introspective, and self-reflective, yet balance these qualities with a so-called normal life, yet always observant, always wondering how to tell a story, make it valuable, make it real. A favorite film character of mine is a novelist, and he said in response to whether his novel was autobiographical:

Well, I mean, is anything autobiographical? We all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right? I mean, I always think of Thomas Wolfe... he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own mind, that you can't avoid that. 1

Well, there you go. In fact, it seems his novel was autobiographical, in some sense, by his standards. I was reading this review of the "writing life" by Oscar Villalon, which showed how one man interviewed all these different writers and published in The Paris Review, a well-know academic journal. The later book was then called The Paris Review Interviews. Article here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99920411&ft=1&f=1032

In reading an excerpt from this, it really made me think about what it is to be a writer, taking from the “clay of [one’s] own mind” and making it valuable. When I go for a run down the beach, I find myself formulating stories about the people I pass on the boardwalk, biking, tanning, playing volleyball, reading, arguing with each other. Each of these persons has a story to tell. So do I. Listening to the waves crash, it makes me feel alive, well, and as if that piece of nature is a part of me. But, as a writer, it does seem strange to imagine not looking at the world that way. Just to enjoy the moment. I sometimes feel like I’m living in the world and looking at it from the outside from some vantage point only I can see from. From my tiny keyhole, I guess. I mean, in looking at the lives of Silvia Plath, Raymond Carver, Franz Kafka, Joyce Carol Oates, James Joyce, Brett Easton Ellis, I think about just how each of these men and women lived. Raymond Carver mentions in his interview that he probably drank more than most people did, and that he found that to be a hazard in the profession he’d chosen. Now, I may not have statistics on it, but it got me thinking. Not that all writers are drunks. More that we choose to experience or have a passion for experiences that will give us more stories, more tales. Writers have that zeal or fire to capture life and then show it on the page. Just like artists do, I guess. I’m not a talented painter, but I do paint. Just another way to express myself. Use a piece of that discontented creativity to express something. My small little piece of how the world looks, or how people seem to speak, what I say in other people’s relationships… Just to find out what’s valuable and again to show that value and meaning through the expression in ink.

1 "Before Sunset Script" - transcript from the screenplay, http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/b/before-sunset-script-transcript.html

Contradictions and Randomness

In preparation for my grad school admissions essay, I have been writing down and brainstorming many things about my character and personality, which will hopefully assist in drawing out a most unique piece of work. I've discovered amongst my research on perfecting the "statement of purpose" that sincerity is one of the most difficult and important qualities to project when writing. Since the essay is self-centric, this is most difficult to achieve. Come across as egotistical and sincere - eh? Therefore, the things I discuss must be somewhat personal, but also differentiate as an intellectually motivated individual for the specific discipline, and not the same-old same-old "I persevere...That experience really meant something to me...I lvoe a challenge...blah blah. As I'm writing these words, I'm feeling the distress of this kind of quality. It is difficult! Even if this doesn't seem to address how I am going to write this essay, I'm going to list random things about my character I hope will assist me. Perhaps any of my readers can help with this? Don't forget...these are random. Quite random qualities and memories:

1. I want to do more than just breathe, I want to know why I am here.
2. I stifle my emotions, but I'm actually more sensitive than I'd like to admit.
3. I write, and this is my valium when I'm aggravated. I draw and paint when I'm happy. This is my champagne.
4. I'm upset about the poverty around the world, and the best thing I can do about it is volunteer at home. Especially when there are more homeless people in Orange County than most other highly populated US cities.
5. I believe gay people should have the right to get married, if they choose. I am pro-choice, but I would never have an abortion.
6. I love the music of Radiohead, but I don't understand half of the things they are trying to say.
7. Most sports I am only "okay" at, despite the fact that I'm quite athletic in that I practice all the time.
8. The thought of eternity in Heaven still scares me.
9. I don't really worry about dying. In fact I wouldn't mind dying a bloody, horrific death, if it would save someone I loved.
10. Traveling to places I've never been makes me feel alive more than almost anything else does.
11. I love being alone. Walking alone. Writing alone. Reading alone. However, I still get lonely sometimes.
12. I procrastinate in almost anything. I love the rush I get from finishing something under a tight deadline. The feeling of excelling at the end heightens the excitement for me.
13. I am polychronic. I hate being early for anything except to go sailing with the family, like we used to do in summers past...or Disneyland. (he he)
14. I like depressing films. It reminds me of why I choose to do the right thing. It also reminds me that things don't always end happily.
15. I too want world peace. However, I don't believe it is ever possible.
16. I like being witty, but I also like being the person at the party who just watches other people and sits quietly in the corner.
17. I am motivated to change the world, even if it just means not using styrafoam cups for coffee in the office.
18. I could sit on the beach listening to the waves for hours and not be bored, as long as I had my journal with me.
19. I want to live in Paris. For a long time. A very long time.
20. Museums thrill me. But I can never get anyone to go with me!
21. Fresh strawberries are so much better than any other dessert.
22. I wish I was a real witch who knew real spells and Harry Potter was my best friend.
23. I don't think I would mind being single for a very long time.
24. I believe people cannot communicate honestly with each other 80% of the time. Either because they are too polite, too rude, too insincere, or too insecure.
25. I love the contradictions in life, and I don't think I would want things created differently. I just want to be able to change the small piece of the world I can.

photoshop yourself

My first actual cocktail made as a namesake from the Mix Lounge in Mandalay Bay. Phew. Two parts Ketel One vodka, two parts Tanqueray gin, and one part vermouth...Shaken. Never stirred. Ice cold...

On Israel and the Idea of Peace

Considering today, the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians, I am saddened to see so much war, in order to create a so-called ceasefire and reclaim of Gaza. Today's article in The Economist really made me angry. In many ways, I still feel strongly that Israel is being defensive of its people. Often times misunderstood, the Israeli nation has been given a terrible civil liberties reputation by the international community for the many casualties in this ongoing war. However, Israelis and Palestinians are both being killed on either sides of the crossfire. It is not simply enough to show casualties for each group’s peoples. It has been said from the press that Israel has been trying to control the news coverage, sometimes with effective results. While there is much evidence to show the contrary, considering especially the aforementioned international reputation, the BBC News and other determined press organizations are trying to get the real story. These days it is nearly impossible to get a clear, objective view of any international war. (Case in point: Iraq. Afghanistan.) The intentions of the media can be just as masked as the intentions of those perpetrating such violence. The BBC News seems to have taken an ambitious effort to cover the Gaza conflict as much as possible, despite efforts to keep the press away from the conflict.

While talks have been underway at the U.N., again the United States has abstained from supporting a ceasefire in Gaza, awaiting Egyptian mediation in discussions between Hamas and Israel. The largest ally Israel has right now, the U.S. is once more taking a stand, and I am curious to see the world's reaction to the conflict, as well as the world’s response to the UN action. The Israeli military conflict appears to have stepped up its offensives, and while it is said in the name of increasing the pressure on officials to create and keep a ceasefire, I can't help wondering how more war will actually produce peace? The history of the conflict shows that Israel has used questionable tactics. Palestinians point their figures at the numbers of growing civilian injuries and deaths, while Israelis point to the smuggling of missiles through the Egyptian border.

Ms Livni, running for prime minister at the head of the Kadima Party, said Israel had set out “to change the reality” on its border with Gaza, and had done so. Hamas now understood “that Israel reacted wildly” to incessant rocket bombardment across its border, and would do so again if need be. She added that Israel is “studying various options” being discussed among diplomats to prevent Hamas rearming. The missile-smuggling trail began in Iran and could be broken before it reached the Egypt-Gaza border, she noted. Was there a chance that Egypt would “seriously” undertake, with help from other nations, to seal the smuggling tunnels beneath that border? “Yes. But will it happen? We still don’t know.”

Egypt is holding talks with Hamas officials on ceasefire terms. Officials in Cairo speak of progress but also of problems. Israeli sources play up reported differences between Hamas representatives from Gaza, who they say want an end to the fighting, and the group’s leaders in Damascus, who are said to take a tougher line. America and Germany have offered technical help to Egypt to police the tunnels. But Egypt refuses to have any international forces deployed on its side of the border, and Hamas says that foreign troops in Gaza would represent more “occupation”. Both Egypt and Israel are reluctant to reopen their 1979 Peace Treaty which sets strict limits on the number of troops that Egypt itself can deploy in the border zone.

While Germany and the U.S. are willing to help “police” this issue of smuggled missiles, what of that? What else can Israel do but continue to escalate their military operations? No, indeed. If Germany and the United States are willing to aid Israel in this effort of keeping missiles out, why are we entering a third phase in the Israeli bombardment? With 900 Palestinian casualties, this is more political than we may realize. With those in charge of the war up for reelection in places of power, can it be trusted that they will seek peace or act in self interest? It is difficult to believe there are those who have the tenacity to withstand the risks of this war, as well as make the right decisions to protect the innocent. With protests in the international community against Israeli and Hamas conflict, especially in UN vetoing nation states, (Britain, France, United States, etc.) I am not pleading for peace under pressure from these demands. I am pleading for peace because I can see death. And as a human being, I simply cannot bear to look the other way. Pretend I cannot notice the number of people who continue to be taken to refugee camps or humanitarian tents for medical attention. Many who never come home.

I must ask if there is an end of this conflict in sight. Another set of peace talks set by the Egyptians and the French. The day looms before us, and I simply wonder if people will continue to die. Of all of these articles, I was struck by a very short piece from the BBC News about medical practitioners who supposedly have turned “political” after seeing so many people dead. Watch it here. One of the doctors had a very interesting response to this assessment. He said that he is a whole person, one who is emotional, social, and political. He even believed that all of us are. Perhaps there is no reason to contradict this statement, for his point is that he cannot separate the action from the emotion he feels and the political views he adopts. The results of the war come into his tent each day, and as he runs out of medical supplies, without enough clean tools and enough humanitarian aid, people continue to rot. What do we say of this? Can we turn our backs on this truth? Forty percent of the Palestinian casualties are women and children. I am not blaming the Israelis for acting in self defense. The Hamas are a terrorist group, which I do not support. Simply because there are fewer Israeli casualties than Palestinians is not enough to judge the fault of this war. However, it does not bode well for Israel. If they continue to act offensively when the numbers of the dead continue to rise, they will not have my sympathies.

A Sentimental Feeling

Let's start with nice....


Who are we kidding?


A new year. Fresh discoveries about oneself and brand-spanking fun challenges lie in wait. Sounded like the harbinger of ill report, didn't I? Scratch the "lie in wait" bit. I am very grateful to the start of 2009 for it feels like anything can happen! I love that feeling...

Flying on the wings of my wondrous holiday with family I see every few years, if I'm that lucky, I was able to come into the office this morning refreshed. Today was also my first day back-to-reality in the sense that I spent time checking e-mails, reading my online tidbits from The Economist and getting caught up on the not so fortunate happenings around the world. Not that I chose willingly to ignore it, but Christmas is a special time for many of us because we can choose to forget the day we are living, forget the hour, truly enjoy the moment. Not only did I celebrate the holidays, I celebrated love. It is a remarkable thing to be surrounded by so much generous affection and sincerity. How often does it come into your life? Perhaps never enough. Instead of focusing on economic events and disastrous occurences, I thought I'd reflect somewhat on what I treasure most - relationships with people. Mainly because of two things:

1) Love
2) Awareness



This may sound a bit silly, but while the first is a familiar term, the second may not be for everyone. Love, for obvious reasons. It gives me something I can't have on my own. The chance to give to others. The chance to feel love. Real love is truly unselfish and the capacity to want to know others, their thoughts, feelings...Real love is faithful, unwavering, inconstant, unconditional. How hard it is to know and feel this kind of love at any given moment. After all, all the human beings I know are inconstant. But, even just to have for a moment, is beautiful. God gives me that kind of love, but He is the only one who can. In the meantime, I'm blessed to have friends and family who try their very best to love they can. It is truly a remarkable thing to have that sense of purity, when someone does something without expecting anything in return. Remarkable that I saw so much of that kind of love during Christmas. I'm beyond happy right now.





Awareness. I'm an intellectual nerd when it comes to this stuff. Relationships with people teach me things all the time that I would never discover on my own. I can read all the books I want and record all my introspective thoughts, but it will do me no good if I sit in a chair locked up with the windows and doors shut, wondering, Cogito ergo sum? That sounds about right...Now where I do go from here? Not far if I can't see past these walls...

And so, thank God for family and for experiences I could never have on my own. I cannot even being to start showing how much it means.