On The Feminine

How often do we subscribe qualities to a male or female that is considered masculine or feminine without giving pause? More often than I would care to find comfortable. I think that each individual is unique and to assign elements, gendered elements, per se, is presumptuous. As I mentioned in my last post on emotions and how we might keep ours under control in order to protect our heart, what of the person who transcends gendered roles? A quality of "opaqueness" of emotion, is traditionally, male. What about the female who is constantly opaque, without transparency in her feelings? In being a woman of masked emotion, she may stand in stark contrast to the females who express their sadness in tears or words, who express their anger or surprise in raised voices. What about the male who is easily angered, who pours out his heart by saying romantic, flowery things that mean something to him? Is he to be pitied just as the woman transgresses in 'masking'? We are so often confined by the role we were taught to be as a male or female that we are "judged" by others to be so, even if we are not.

I do not easily confess how I feel to others. My nature is to hold back. It was in my mother's nature, and is so in mine. She has difficulty even being hugged when she gets personally injured. Then often acts as if she feels no emotion by ignoring the issue. I am not so different. Yet, still, if I have a headache or a bad day, I can feel sad or irritated. On these days, the perception has been all too easy for one to say, "You are moody. You are emotional," as if this blanket judgment is an expectation one could have any day of the week. What is that? Why? Then again, when I don't show if I'm in love or if I am unclear about whether I want something or no, I am told I don't "live in the moment" or "give enough of myself", as if I should. Perhaps because I am a woman? As a female, we should be caring, loving, expressive...and if not, what are we? What am I?

All have emotions. I think it might be all too easy for a man to be judged, as well, for acting contrary to his nature. A man for being too expressive. A woman for not being. And what if all this jibber jabber about the growth of feminine and masculine qualities are merely mores of societal mythology intended to keep the patriarchal status quo. I object. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Something more to consider is below from an asian philosophical perspective: (below):



Is the Daode Jing a Feminist Text?

Laozi’s Daode Jing – the primary scripture of Taoism – promotes the cultivation of qualities such as receptivity, gentleness, and subtlety. In many western cultural contexts, these are qualities considered to be “feminine.” Even though most translations render the Chinese characters for “person” or “sage” as “man,” this has everything to do with the translations themselves, and little or nothing to do with the text itself. The original Chinese is always gender-neutral. One of the few places where the text assumes a distinctly gendered language is in verse six:

The Spirit of the valley never dies.
They call it wondrous female.
Through the portal of her mystery
Creation ever wells forth.

It lingers like gossamer and seems not to be
Yet when summoned, ever flows freely.

~ Laozi’s Daode Jing, verse 6 (translated by Douglas Allchin)

An Agitation

‘I wished to hear the sound of your voice,’ he said.

‘You’ve heard it, and you see it says nothing very sweet.’

‘It gives me pleasure, all the same.’ And with this he got up.

She had felt pain and displeasure on receiving early that day the news he was in Florence and by her leave would come within an hour to see her. She had been vexed and distressed, though she had sent back word by his messenger that he might come when he would. She had not been better pleased when she saw him; his being there at all was so full of heavy implications. It implied things she could never assent to—rights, reproaches, remonstrance, rebuke, the expectation of making her change her purpose. These things, however, if implied, had not been expressed; and now our young lady, strangely enough, began to resent her visitor’s remarkable self-control. There was a dumb misery about him that irritated her; there was a manly staying of his hand that made her heart beat faster. She felt her agitation rising, and she said to herself that she was angry in the way a woman is angry when she has been in the wrong. She was not in the wrong; she had fortunately not that bitterness to swallow; but, all the same, she wished he would denounce her a little. She had wished his visit would be short; it had no purpose, no propriety; yet now that he seemed to be turning away she felt a sudden horror of his leaving her without uttering a word that would give her an opportunity to defend herself more than she had done in writing to him a month before, in a few carefully chosen words, to announce her engagement. If she were not in the wrong, however, why should she desire to defend herself? It was an excess of generosity on Isabel’s part to desire that Mr Goodwood should be angry.

This is a passage from Portrait of A Lady and though it was written several years ago, I think this passage poignant because of its relevance to human interaction. Specifically, trysts and interludes.

An agitation, though it was, to be around Goodwood, our female character desires him to strike out in anger, tell her she’s wrong. It is such a familiar feeling; the desire to see emotion. If we feel that another person is terribly composed when we know them to be angry, we would wait for that moment for him to yell, to scream, to let go of his emotions. This would do so righteously, for then that Other would be doing us an injustice. Instead, the person sits or stands calmly before us, knowing how to handle her purpose/his purpose. What is one to do? Accept it and with so much unsaid, there is that “dumb misery about him” that Isabel saw and detested so very much.

Goodwood has such self discipline as to accept things as they are. While I won’t go into detail about the circumstances of the foregoing story, the plight is one all of us have dealt with. Isabel has bad news and he hears it calmly, with the desire to see her, to be near her, even though everything feels like a letdown. When one wants something so greatly and it doesn’t come, having that self-control he has amounts to something. The game men and women often play with one another amounts to a lot of suffering but also a lot of happiness, but often that “remarkable self-control” is what wins. Let the feelings play out, let a person know how you feel, but not to show it off, is what kills. I’m not sure how I feel about that. It reminds me of why I sometimes play the game, myself. I may not wish to do so, but when the time comes and I yearn to have something, I may wait patiently for it and then see if that self discipline is fruitful. It has proven to be so fruitful in the past, it is hard to disregard its power in the future. Unfortunately, it is a small game of deception to hide such emotion. But, it is also a considerably protective way of dealing with one’s heart. And this is something my loved ones have always reminded me to guard before anything else.